“I’d love to, but I can’t,” I heard Casey saying into the phone. She was sitting in the large chair with one hand propping up her head and the other holding the phone to her ear. Her eyes turned up to look at me when I plopped down and stretched out on the couch. She looked frustrated. “It’s just way more complicated than that.”
I opened a magazine that was laying on the coffee table and started flipping aimlessly through the pages. It took a while for me to realize that it was one of Zac’s drummer magazines. As I was flipping through the shiny pages, I came across a page with Zac’s picture. I smirked. I hadn’t even realized that he’d done an interview.
“I’m not even in Kansas anymore,” she tried to explain.
“I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore,” I mocked the character of Dorothy quietly. Casey picked up a pen from the table beside her and threw it at me. I blocked it with the magazine. “I’ll get you my pretty, and you’re little dog too,” I said in my most wicked voice.
I put the magazine in front of my face again to block another flying object, only it was too late. She hit me right in the middle of my forehead with a pad of post-its that we always left beside the phone. She covered her mouth as soon as soon as it hit me and I started rubbing my head.
“I’m sorry,” she apologized. “No, not you,” she said into the phone.
After putting the post-its and the pen on the coffee table, I went back to browsing through the magazine.
“Look,” she said apologetically, now twirling the cord around her index finger, “I’m going to go. But thank you for the heads up.”
Heads up on what?
“Yea, I will. And I’ll try to keep you informed…about everything. I love you too.” She hung up the phone and I tossed the magazine back to the table. I watched her silently stare at the carpet underneath the coffee table, picking it apart with her eyes. She had that distant look in her eyes again.
“Mike is looking for me,” she finally said sadly.
The news didn’t surprise me, but it definitely wasn’t something I wanted to hear. My reaction to the news was fueled, not just by the fact that I’d never met the guy but already couldn’t stand him, but by her reaction. She looked confused…almost unsure of what to do. And that look in her eyes….it irritated me. Every time she got that look in her eyes, I knew who she was thinking about. And I couldn’t stand the fact that he still had a control over her.
“He can’t find you here,” I tried to reassure her. It was true. New York was a big city and even if he did think to look in New York, where would he begin?
She nodded her head in agreement, but I could tell that she was going to cry. She didn’t flinch or pull away when I got up and wrapped her in my arms. She just melted into me. There was something so familiar about her, and yet, so different. She’d changed so much since the last time I saw her. She was more weary, more worn out. She wasn’t as confident in what she could do and, while she was still declaring her independence, her words were weaker and her game not as strong. She had been through more than I could even imagine, and the effects were starting to show.
“You want to go for a walk or something?” I offered, remembering how it used to be. When a short walk always made her feel better.
She shook her head. “I think I just want to go lay down for a little bit.”
“Okay,” I nodded, knowing she wouldn’t lay down. I knew she would end up sitting there thinking and driving herself crazy about it. I watched as she stood up and walked away. She stopped to pick up Dad, the turtle, who had mysteriously gotten out of his box again and was now roaming the apartment.
“Hey Casey,” I heard Zac mumble from the hallway before emerging into the living room. She didn’t respond. “What’s eating her ass?” He asked me as he walked through the living room on his way to the kitchen. He didn’t even pause to wait for my answer.
I said I got up and followed him in to the kitchen. “She called her friend,” I said, taking a seat at the table.
“And that put her in a bad mood?” He grabbed a glass from the cabinet and opened the fridge. “We’re out of orange juice,” I told him, knowing what he was looking for. He nodded and went to the sink to fill his glass with water. “I think she’s having a hard time.”
“Casey, or her friend?”
“Casey. She’s been here for almost three weeks, and I think she’s starting to feel trapped.”
“Well, she’s not going anywhere.” He sounded positive. As if he knew something no one else did.
“Mike is looking for her,” I blurted out. I took note of the hardened look on his face.
“What do you mean Mike’s looking for her?”
“I don’t know exact details. She just said that he’s looking for her. And from the look on her face she wants to leave, but something is holding her back.”
Zac was silent for quite a while, his back leaning against the sink. He held one hand in his pocket while his other hand held his glass of water. He was wrapped up in his thoughts, so I just let him stand there silently. “I don’t like him,” he finally said. His voice was calm and even, as if it were just another fact that he could easily let roll off of his tongue.
I raised my eyes to meet his. I waited for him to say something more, but he didn’t. He just stood there, looking at me. Looking through me.
“What are we going to do?” I asked him. Casey never seemed to be able to tell him no. It had been five years since she left Tulsa, and it was the one thing that seemed to be the same.
He half smiled and cocked his head to the side with a sigh. He set his glass down on the counter and joined me at the table. “That’s the thing about Casey,” he told me. “You can’t make her do anything she doesn’t want to do.”
“You made her stay here,” I pointed out.
“I didn’t make her. That’s the reason she came here. And plus, she really didn’t have many other options, did she?”
“She could have…” I trailed off, realizing he was right. He raised his eyebrows, waiting for my answer. I just shook my head.
He nodded. “She won’t leave unless she feels that it’s absolutely necessary. Unless she feels threatened.”
“Mike is looking for her,” I reminded him. I factored that in as the threat.
“Honestly, what are the chances that he’s going to find her in a city of this size?”
I shrugged. The chances were probably fairly slim, but would Casey see it that way?
“I just don’t know how you can sound so sure about all of this,” I sighed. “I know you used to be close and all, but years have passed. She’s met people, experienced things without you. She’s not the same person she used to be.”
He shook his head. “She’s still Casey and just as strong-willed as she used to be.”
“You’ve spent three weeks with her in the past five years,” I said, getting frustrated. He just couldn’t seem to wrap his mind around the fact that she was different. That he was different. We were all different. He couldn’t get it through his head that things change.
“It doesn’t matter,” he said. I could hear the frustration in his voice as well. “She’s not the type of person to let some asshole change her. She’s not going to give up her identity that easily.”
I bit my tongue, refusing to argue with him. “I’m going to go check on her,” I said, standing up.
“Don’t smother her, Ike,” Zac said as I walked away from him. “It’ll only push her away.”
I shook my head and continued walking. I was beginning to have less confidence in the relationship they once had. I was sure that, at that moment, “smothering,” as Zac called it, was exactly what she needed. Well, maybe not smothering, but she needed someone to talk to.
I treaded to her room, straightening things up as I went. Who knew having two kids under the age of five could be so much work? A lot of people I guess, and it wasn’t a new experience to me. It had just been a few years since my brothers and sisters were that young.
I came to the room and the door was slightly ajar. I watched for a few minutes as Casey and Chris sat on the floor with the box in front of them that contained Dad. Chris seemed to be entertained by the turtle more and more as time went on. He was supposed to let it go after a couple days, but it had been a week and he still had it. Somehow, he talked Casey into letting him keep it for a little longer.
As I watched the two of them on the floor, it made me how much of a normal life Chris actually had. He was only four and already he’d been uprooted more than once in his life. He had Ezra as a friend now, but I didn’t know how long that would last. I wasn’t sure how long it would take Casey to up and leave. How many friends had Chris made and been forced to leave behind? I realize that Casey may have felt threatened enough to leave, but it really wasn’t good for Chris. A four year old needs some kind of stability. And even living with us, it wasn’t as stable as he needed it to be.
I knocked on the doorframe, causing both of them to quickly look up at me. Chris looked back down at the turtle once he saw who it was. Casey watched me expectantly.
“Can I talk to you?” I asked her.
She nodded solemnly and then used the bed behind her to pull herself up. She joined me at the doorway and then turned to tell Chris that she’d be right back. He nodded, still playing with the turtle as I lead Casey down the hall. Without reluctance, she followed me into my bedroom and took a seat on the edge of my bed as I closed the door.
“If you’re going to tell me that I have to…”
“I’m not going to say you have to do anything,” I cut her off. I sat on the bed beside her. “I just want to know what you’re thinking.”
“About what?” She asked. She planted her hands on the bed behind her, leaning her backwards a little bit.
“Anything,” I shrugged, turning so that I was fully on the bed. I crossed my legs at my ankles behind her. “I know you probably have a lot on your mind.”
She smirked. “Haven’t I always?”
I nodded with a half grin. “So tell me…what’s on your mind?”
“Nothing important, really,” she said. I knew she was lying.
“Nothing to complain about?”
“Why would I complain?”
“You’re nine months pregnant and you haven’t complained since you got here. I’ve been around plenty of pregnant women in my life time, so I can tell you that that just isn’t normal.”
She laughed. “I have no reason to complain. You guys just…” She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I waited for a few minutes for her to continue.
When she didn’t continue, I prodded for an answer. “Tell me.”
“Chris wants to see his dad, and I feel…guilty, I guess.”
“Mike is a creep. You shouldn’t feel guilty about getting Chris away from that.”
“I know that, and I really wish my brain would start working with my conscious. I don’t want Chris to go through with Mike what I went through with my dad.”
“Which is why you had to get him out of there,” I confirmed.
She shook her head sadly and pushed some hair out of her face. “I missed my dad. Even when he was around. I just wanted a normal dad, and I knew that mine wasn’t. So I know how Chris is feeling.”
I feared the worst in her plans, but I wasn’t sure. So I asked. “Are you planning on going back to Mike?”
She looked down and took a deep breath. “I really don’t know what to do, Ike. And this baby,” she said, putting her hand on her stomach. “I don’t want her growing up without a father.”
“But you don’t want her to have that kind of father. The father she needs is someone who can treat her, and you and Chris, right. And that’s not Mike.”
“But he was so sweet before. And I think that my leaving may have had an impact on him.”
“Casey, he’s not going to change.”
“Macy said he did. She said he’s depressed and he keeps saying he just wants to hear from me and Chris.”
“Casey, you can’t be seriously thinking about this.”
She looked up at me sadly with tears in her eyes.
“I’m just so confused. And I know Zac doesn’t really want me here.”
“Yes he does.”
“It’s just…so awkward between us.”
“That’s because you never dealt with what happened. You never talked about it, you just tried to move on.”
“It’s not that easy,” she said with one shaky breath.
“Sure it is. You say ‘Zac, I want to talk to you,’ and then you spill your guts about everything that’s on your mind.”
“He doesn’t want to talk to me.”
“Number one, yes he does. Number two, it wouldn’t matter if he didn’t, he needs to.”
“How do you know he does?” She questioned, curiously. I saw a look of hope in her eyes and it made me smile.
“Last week, in the park. He said he wants to talk to you, he just doesn’t know how to bring it up.”
“And I do?” She asked, incredulously.
“You’ll figure it out,” I told her. “Just lay all of the cards on the table.”
“I really wish I could make you realize how difficult the task is that you’re telling me to do.”
“I never said it would be easy. But it needs to be done.”
“Well, why can’t he bring it up?” She asked.
“Because…he’s a wuss. You can do it, I know you can,” I said. I gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze as I pulled my legs up from behind her and stood up.
“But Chris is…”
“I’ll take him somewhere,” I offered as I stood in front of her. “You’ll have the house to yourselves.”
“I can’t ask you to do that,” she said, shaking her head.
“You didn’t ask. Do you have any other reasons why you can’t talk to him?”
She didn’t say anything. “Silence is consent,” I reminded her. She shook her head, defeated.
“Good,” I said. “It may be hard, but it’s going to be worth it.”
She sighed and I could tell we weren’t on the same track.
“Just give me some time,” she said quietly as she pushed herself up off of the bed.
“Okay, but don’t put it off for too long.”