“Mommy!” Chris exclaimed excitedly as he ran over to us. Zac, Casey, and I were sitting on the green grass of Central Park while Ezra and Christian ran around, making up their own games. How we got Zac to agree to come with us is beyond me. But there he was, on the other side of Casey, enjoying the beautiful day right along with us.
“Whaty?!” She asked, echoing his enthusiasm.
Chris pulled his hand out from behind his back and presented Casey with quite an abundant bouquet of dandelions.
“You’re so sweet,” she said as she kissed him on the cheek.
“There’s more too!” He said excitedly with his eyes wide.
“Really?! I bet Ike and Zac would like some pretty flowers too,” she suggested. I smiled at her and she winked back at me.
“Okay!” He said, running off to gather more of the yellow flowers.
“He is so much like you,” Zac commented as we watched Chris run back to where Ezra was waiting for him.
“What do you mean?” She questioned, turning her head to face him. She had to block the sun with her hand to see him.
“He just, acts like you. His personality…” Zac tried to explain, still looking off into the distance.
“Are you saying I act like a four year old?” She teased.
“No,” he laughed, shaking his head. He looked at her and smiled. “He just reminds me of you.”
“I’m going to hope that’s a good thing.”
“It is,” he agreed, leaning back on his elbows.
I watched as Chris and Ezra came running over to us, each with a handful of dandelions. I got Ezra’s handful, while Chris handed his to Zac.
“Thank you,” Zac and I said at the same time, taking the flowers from the kids.
“We found a turtle,” Chris explained to Zac.
“Wow! How big is it?” Zac asked.
“This big!” Chris told him, making his arms into the biggest circle he could. “Come look at it!”
“I think your mom wants to look at it,” he told Chris with a grin.
“Come look at it!” He said to Casey. He grabbed one of her arms and pulled it up, while Ezra grabbed the other arm and did the same.
I helped Casey get up as the boys were urging her to hurry before it ran away.
I laughed at their excitement as they pulled Casey toward the gigantic turtle they found.
Zac was silent for quite a while before he finally spoke. “Do you ever think about having kids?”
I was taken back by his question. “Sometimes,” I admitted, turning a little to see him better. “Why?”
He was watching Casey humor the kids about the turtle off in the distance. “It just seems like we’re the only ones not having kids. Pretty soon Zoe is going to have one and..”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Zoe is far from that point.”
“I know. It just seems like our whole life is flying by and everyone else is having kids. Taylor, Casey, Jessica. You know?”
“Yea,” I nodded. I did know. “Have you been thinking about this a lot?”
“A couple weeks,” he shrugged.
“When Casey came,” I included for him.
“Pretty much. I just feel like maybe I’m missing out on something. That,” he said nodding toward Casey. I watched as she picked up the turtle and handed it to Ezra who was smiling gleefully.
“You’re not missing out. You’re just doing things at a different pace.”
“I know,” he sighed, looking at he for the first time since he’d started talking. “Having her here just brought back….a lot of old feelings.”
I raised my eyebrow in question.
“A lot of the bad ones. The ones that I thought I’d gotten over.”
“Zac, you never really get over something like that.”
“I know. I just thought the counseling helped, and now I’m not so sure.” He looked away from me, back towards Casey. “It still hurts. Only it’s worse now…if that’s even possible.”
“Have you talked to her about any of it?” I pondered.
“I’ve thought about it. But how do you really approach something like that? ‘I’m sorry I killed our baby and I’m sorry I pushed you toward some creep who made you lose another one. I’m really glad you’re here now though.’”
I smiled sympathetically. “Yea, that probably wouldn’t go over too well.”
He looked at me and rolled his eyes. I had nothing to offer. By instinct, I wanted to tell him I was sorry that he was going through all of that. But then part of me kept telling me that he brought it upon himself. He, technically, was the one who had dug his own grave. But he was still my brother, and he was hurting.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Casey approaching. When I turned to look at her directly, I saw Ezra and Chris not far behind.
“How big was it?” Zac asked.
She giggled and held out her arms, making as big of a circle as she could. “This big!”
I chuckled as Ezra and Chris caught up to Casey. Ezra held the average-sized turtle out to me and Zac for inspection while Casey reclaimed her spot on the ground between us.
“Wow!” Zac gasped. “That thing is huge!”
Chris nodded proudly. “I found it.”
“You’re probably the only one in all of America with a turtle that big,” Zac said seriously.
Chris grinned proudly as he took the turtle from Ezra. “Mommy said we can’t keep it.”
“Aww, why not?” Zac asked Casey.
“Don’t start, Zac,” she said as she sat back down between us.
“I’m sure you could keep it for a couple days and then let it go,” Zac told him. Christian’s eyes lit up.
“Zac,” Casey warned.
“Pleeease mommy,” Chris begged.
“Yea. Pleeease mommy,” Zac echoed. I couldn’t help but laugh at the pleading expression on both Zac’s and Chris’ faces.
Casey smacked me.
“I didn’t say anything!” I laughed, rubbing the spot where her hand made contact.
“You didn’t have to. Chris, you can’t keep it. He belongs out here. This is his home.”
“We could share our home!” Chris pleaded.
“Just let him keep it for a couple of days and then he’ll set it free,” Zac tried to persuade her. He was quickly winning brownie points with Christian. I was the one who took the candy away, and Zac was the one talking his mom into letting him keep the turtle.
“Yea,” I agreed with Zac, not wanting to miss the opportunity to look like the good guy. “Every kid has to have a turtle at some point.”
“And he promises he’ll set it free after a couple of days,” Zac added.
Chris nodded vigorously and Casey sighed.
“Two days and then you have to set him free,” she agreed reluctantly.
I watched as his face turned to shock and then elation. “Thank you!” He squealed, looking down at his turtle.
“You have to name him,” Ezra told Chris.
Chris thought for a moment, staring at the turtle, before saying anything. “Dad,” he finally said.
“What?” Casey asked immediately. I couldn’t read her face.
“His name is Dad,” Chris proudly told his mother.
“You can’t name him Dad,” Ezra said.
“Why not?” Chris questioned his friend.
“Because that’s not a name.”
“It’s his name now,” Chris argued. He looked back down at the turtle and smiled.
“Are…you sure you want to name him Dad?” Casey asked. “You could pick Bob or…Fred…or Steven…”
“No,” Chris said firmly. “His name is Dad.”
“Okay,” Casey conceded with a smile. “Dad it is.”
My face must have mirrored my amusement because she leaned over and whispered in my ear, “it’s not that funny.”
“Oh, but it is,” I laughed.
“Why don’t we take him home?” Casey asked, ignoring my laughter.
Zac and I jumped up as we watched her struggle to get up. We each grabbed one of her hands and pulled her up to her feet.
We walked home, Chris and Ezra walking ahead of us talking animatedly about their plans for their new pet. Zac and I walked on either side of Casey, just as we had been sitting. As we walked through the streets of New York, I noticed Casey’s tension. In fact, she’d been kind of tense since we left the apartment. Her eyes were distant, focusing on something in front of us as she wrapped her arms around her stomach.
I kept my questions to myself. It was something I’d become accustomed to over the past couple of weeks. There was a time and place for everything.