I remember the day so clearly. It started early morning. The sun was bright, the birds were chirping, promising a good day. But none of us were really feeling all that good. We stood out on the front lawn, saying our goodbyes to Casey one by one. Each of us hugging her, encouraging her, telling her to not forget to keep in touch. As if we were all in high school, and it would be so easy to forget. She promised over and over again to write, and call, and come visit. To each and every one of us, she made that promise.
She approached Zac last, that morning. Her dull eyes looked straight into his as he apologized to her and she shook her head, brushing it off. She gave him a quick hug, with hardly any feeling attached to it. It wasn’t even a friendly hug. It wasn’t even the type of hug we would give a fan. It was just a hug out of necessity, just to get it done and over with. And I think that hurt Zac more than he would ever admit.
We watched as she drove off, leaving us behind. Our hearts were sad and heavy, but none of us knew exactly how the next few years would pan out. We had high expectations for Casey, and ourselves. Casey had been a part of our family for years, and she felt like the only thing she could do at the time to fix her life, was start her own life, in the city that she used to call home. I could tell she was scared to go back to a city that would be defined by her life with her mom, but she seemed determined to make it work, so who was I to stand in the way?
For a few months, she called off and on to let us know of the latest news. She was in school in Lawrence, living the life of the struggling college student. She was excited to be so close to her family again, but she missed us. Everything we would expect in the first few months. She even came to visit a few times, but she never stayed for long, and she and Zac very rarely spoke. Even on the phone, few words were exchanged.
Eventually, all contact with her ceased. She stopped calling, we could never get in touch with her, we sent letters that she never responded to. Basically, it was as if she’d fallen off the face of the earth. We were all so worried about her, but none of us knew what we could do. We all just had to move on, and hope that she was doing alright.
After Casey left, Zac was never the same. He started sleeping more. We saw him less and less. And when we did see him, he was the biggest crab you’d ever meet. He became withdrawn, pushing everyone he ever cared about away. He lost a lot of his friends. Taylor and I couldn’t even talk to him without him biting our heads off. At times, it felt like we were losing Zac in the same way that we’d lost Casey; slowly and painfully.
Taylor and I finally managed to get him to write some stuff, hoping it would help. What he produced was sad, and unsurprisingly tragic. He wrote about losing himself, about dying, about blaming God for him not being a better person. The minute Taylor and I looked over the songs, we became increasingly alarmed. Zac was drifting farther and farther away from us. He was becoming a person we hardly knew. We were afraid he might be becoming suicidal. A thought we couldn’t bear.
We took the lyrics to mom and dad, telling them that we were worried about him. They agreed whole heartedly and mom immediately set up an appointment for him to go see a therapist. An appointment that he was not happy about in the least. He was angry and Taylor and I for the longest time. Angry that we had betrayed him by showing mom and dad the songs. Angry that we had talked them into making him go see a counselor. Angry that we wouldn’t leave well enough alone. It was hard watching our younger brother, and best friend, fight for his life. It wasn’t something that a dose of medicine could heal. It had to come from him. And we prayed, every night and every day, that he would get better. Become the person that we used to know, rather than a stranger living in our home.
The counselor went through his problems with him, starting from a very young age to the present. She spent a lot of time on his relationship with Casey, because that was what had triggered his depression. She had him write letters of apology and letters of forgiveness to each of us. The letter he wrote to me was four pages long, front and back, scrawled in sloppy handwriting on college ruled paper. He apologized for not being the person that he thought I wanted him to be, and he forgave me for not understanding his needs and pushing him too hard. It was a hard letter to read, but to this day, it’s tucked away inside of my wallet. I haven’t ever read it again, once was enough to make an impact, but I think maybe one day, I might open it up and reread it.
Zac was in counseling for two and a half years. Eventually, we got him back. Our brother was back to normal. He even started looking forward to the sessions near the end of his counseling days. He’d made so much progress in the two and a half years that he was there. He dealt with issues that weren’t even Casey related. And in the two years since his counseling ended, he’s been even better than before.
His social life suffered quite a bit, but he insisted that that is the way he wanted it. He dated a little bit, each one few and far between. His friends were limited. Taylor and I were the only ones he talked to regularly. Me, obviously because we lived together, and Taylor because Taylor was over all the time anyway. We’d always been close like that. Even though, when Casey came it divided a little. And for a while, after she left, it was still divided. Until the therapy came through for Zac. After that, it was like we were closer than ever. Zac came to us with everything. This is also the time period in which Zac claims that he “found God.” He began going to church as often as he could, and I often found him sitting in his room with an open Bible in his lap. Things were really looking up for him.
Two years after his counseling stopped, Casey knocked on our door, needing a place to stay. Without question, Zac and I put her and Christian up in our extra bedroom. Zac was so confident that he’d worked through all of his past issues pertaining Casey, that he was the one that actually talked her into staying. As time progressed with Casey there, old issues began coming back up into his life. Unresolved issues that he thought he’d already dealt with. But regardless of all of the internal hell he was going through, he wanted Casey with us more than anything. It was good to have her back with us again, and both of us wanted her, Christian, and her unborn baby to be safe, and we knew we could provide her with the safety she needed. Soon after her baby, Kay, was born, her ex boyfriend found Casey staying with us in New York City. And while she was no longer hidden, Zac and I knew she was still safe. But Zac knew her better than I did, and knew that she was planning on running. And he was right.
We had a talk with her the night Mike found her. Both of us trying to convince her to stay, but it seemed that her decision was already made. Zac said the one thing that he knew would get to her, the one thing he was keeping for a last resort. Knowing that Casey strived to be as good of a mother as her own mother was, he told her to ask herself what her mom would do if she was in the situation. After that, I was left alone in the kitchen with Casey as she broke down in tears. I held her for an hour that night, trying my best to comfort her while at the same time, trying to convince her that the best place for her to be was with us.
She eventually agreed to stay, but it was only temporary. She said as soon as she started feeling trapped, she was going to leave. I conceded with that, praying that that time wouldn’t come any time soon. I was going to walk her back to her room, but as soon as we walked into the living room, we found Zac sitting, with his back to us, on the couch. Both of his feet were up on the edge of the couch, bringing his knees to his chest, and he had his arms crossed over his knees. He was staring into space. I started seeing the Zac that I saw right after Casey left the first time, and it scared me.
“Zac,” she said loudly enough to break his concentration. He didn’t move, but we could tell that he was listening. I thought Casey was going to give him some sort of an apology, or some kind of assurance that she would stay. Instead she said, “go to bed,” and then proceeded toward her bedroom.
I looked at the back of her head, dumbfounded, and then back at Zac. I heard him sniffle a little, assuming that both of us were gone. He jumped when I put my hand on his shoulder, gently. “She’s going to stay,” I told him, hoping it would give him some comfort that night.
“I heard,” he said, but didn’t move.
I quickly considered my options. I could go back with Casey, make sure she was okay for the night. I could go to bed, and get some much needed sleep, or at least try. Or, I could sit and talk with Zac to make sure that he was okay. I assumed Casey would be okay for the night. After all, I’d just spent an hour trying to comfort her. Going to bed would more than likely prove pointless, since I hadn’t really been getting any sleep anyway. And I couldn’t just leave my brother sitting alone in the dark crying all night and have a good conscious about it the next morning.
So, I walked around the couch and sat down right beside him, leaving very little space between us. I mimicked the position he was sitting in, and then looked at him. He continued staring at the street lights that were shining through the curtains.
“What’s wrong?” I asked him.v
He didn’t hesitate to answer. “We’re back at square one,” he paused and looked over at me. I could see that his eyes were red and puffy. While Casey had been crying to me in the kitchen, Zac was crying alone in the living room. “I hurt her, and you pick up the pieces.”
“I don’t think you hurt her this time,” I tried to reason, but he was shaking his head in disagreement before I could even finished.
“I never should have brought her mom into this,” he said. “I knew what that would do to her. I just didn’t know what else to do. I can’t lose her again.”
“She’s not really yours to lose this time,” I told him softly, hoping he wouldn’t take it the wrong way. He didn’t.
“I know,” he responded, just as softly as I’d spoken. “I’m just afraid that if she leaves, something bad is going to happen to her. And for the rest of my life I’ll have to live with myself, knowing that I didn’t do everything in my power to make her stay.”
“But you have done everything in your power.”
He shook his head again. “There’s one more thing I could do. But the result could really go either way, and I’m so afraid to use it.”
“Use what?” I wanted to know, more confused than ever. “What is it?”
“Nothing. It doesn’t matter,” he said, abruptly standing up. He scared me a little with his fast movements, so I jumped into a normal sitting position. “It doesn’t matter anymore.” He looked down at me, his eyes still red and puffy. “Thank you for convincing her to stay for a while.” I nodded as he walked away, though I knew he couldn’t see me. And then I was the one left alone in the living room, wondering what the hell was going to happen next.
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