“Ike,” Zac said firmly but quietly from the other side of my door with a rap of his knuckles against the wood. I’d just gotten to bed, but I knew I would never get to sleep. The events of the day were still so fresh in my mind. And I kept fearing an unwanted knock at the front door.
“Come in,” I mumbled, my voice a little muffled from my pillow. A little crack of light filtered into my room from the hallway the exact moment I said this. Zac quickly walked in and closed the door quietly behind him. He looked…like shit, to be honest. He looked the same way I felt.
“What’s wrong?” I asked him, sitting up, taking note of the fear on his face. I take my words back. He looked worse than I felt.
“It’s Casey,” he said. There was a rushed desperation in his voice. He sat down on the edge of my bed. “She’s going to run,” he continued before I could even form my words.
“Are you sure?” I wanted to know. Surely she wouldn’t. Surely she’d want to stay with us, more than ever now. For the protection. Even though it had actually been her that got him to leave. But I was sure she never would have had the courage if Zac and I hadn’t been there. Well, if Zac hadn’t been there. He had done the protecting. I had just done the comforting.
Zac nodded at my question. “She’s gonna leave, Ike,” he said through a cracked voice. “She’s going to leave and I don’t know how to make her stay.” There was a desperation in his voice that I hadn’t ever heard from him.
“When do you think she’s going to leave?” I asked him.
“Tonight,” he said, sure of his answer. I was not prepared for that. How could we convince her to stay, when we had no idea how long we had? I didn’t even know where to start. Anxiety started building up in my chest.
“I snuck some money into her purse, just in case you can’t convince her to stay,” he mentioned casually.
“What do you mean in case I can’t make her stay?” I demanded to know. He was going to help me with this. I wasn’t about to do it alone. As much as I hated to admit it, he knew her better than I did. So much better. He knew the things to say that would get her to give in. Just as he had the first day she showed up and was hell bent against not staying with us. All Zac had to do was say the right thing, and she would do whatever he wanted.
“Well, I’m not the one she came for,” he said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. And yet it wasn’t. Obviously, we saw things differently. Because I was sure that he was what brought her to New York. I would almost be willing to bet my life on it.
“Zac,” I sighed, preparing myself to tell him he was wrong. To tell him that Casey would always love him, and have a place in her heart for him, no matter how much he denied it.
“This isn’t the time to try to make me feel better,” he said shortly, getting to the point. “I don’t want her to leave, and you’re the one that can make her stay.” His eyes were pleading with me. I had to turn into big brother mode, but I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say that would convince her. I wasn’t even sure that she was planning on leaving, but Zac was.
“Did you hear her say something about leaving?” I wanted to know. I had to get all my ducks in a row. Maybe she wasn’t planning on leaving at all. Maybe before, when she was younger and more naïve she would have, but maybe now she would know it was best for her to stay put.
Zac rolled his eyes at me, as though my question was ridiculous. “You think she’s going to tell me that she’s planning on leaving? She’s not stupid, Ike.”
“Well, what makes you think she’ll leave at all?”
“She was only here to hide from Mike. Now that he knows exactly where she’s at, she’s going to want to find another place to hide. It’s like a game of cat and mouse.”
“But she knows that she has protection here, Zac,” I tried to reassure.
“It doesn’t matter. To feel safe, she has to feel hidden. And now, she’s feeling exposed.”
“What do you want me to do?” I questioned, shortly. What did he expect from me? A miracle? If she was as stubborn as he kept making her out to be, nothing I could say would ever make a difference to her. If she already had her mind made up, then her mind was already made up, and there was nothing I could do about it. I wanted her to stay just as much as the next person, but I was at a loss for what to do.
“Talk to her,” was his answer. Short and simple. But it answered none of my questions.
“What do you want me to say to her?”
“Tell her to stay. Convince her that this is where she needs to be. You have to, Ike. I don’t want her to leave.”
I sighed, throwing the blankets off of my legs and setting my feet down on the floor. He knew not what he was asking me to do. As I stood up, starting my way towards Casey’s room, I was racking my brain for things to say. Should I just be straight forward with her? Should I tell her that Zac’s afraid she’ll leave, and he begged me to make her stay? How would I answer the questions she’d likely have? Why should she stay now that Mike knows where she is? Don’t we want them to be hidden and safe? Would me talking to her do any good? I wasn’t sure. But Zac had a way of persuading people into things when he felt strongly about them. And thus the reason I was slowly making my way to Casey’s room.
Before I knocked on the door, I looked back at Zac. He’d followed me to the hallway. “Are you coming in with me?” I whispered.
He shook his head. “No, I’m just going to stand in the hallway. I’ll come in if I think I’m needed.”
I rolled my eyes and knocked on the door. Casey didn’t answer and I looked at Zac. “She’s probably sleeping,” I whispered. He shook his head and motioned for me to turn the knob and open the door. I didn’t want to, but I did. And I found Chris and Casey curled up in Casey’s bed. Chris was sleeping with Casey’s arms holding him close to her chest. Kay was sleeping in the crib adjacent to Casey’s bed. Casey was crying, her tears falling onto the pillow beneath her head. It was a heartbreaking scene. And for a moment, I was jealous that I was the one that had to see it rather than Zac. Her eyes moved upwards toward me when the door creaked open ever so softly.
“I just wanted to check on you,” I said quietly. “Make sure you were okay.”
She didn’t bother to wipe the tears away as she nodded and tried faintly to smile. She sniffled a little and swallowed. “I’m okay,” she whispered, but her voice and appearance told me otherwise.
“Zac and I,” I started, sitting down at the foot of the bed gently. I paused, unsure what exactly to say. “We talked and we think that maybe, now that Mike has found you, you might be wanting to leave.” She didn’t say anything, she just continued watching me. Tears still falling gently down her face. “And Zac and I both agree that we don’t think you should.”
“Why not?” She wanted to know. Good question.
“We think, even though Mike found you, that you’re still safe here. We can keep you protected. And now that he knows where you are, we can be on our guard at all times. He just took us by surprise tonight.”
“I know that Chris is happy here,” she agreed with a nod. “Which is what is making this so hard. He’s never gotten so attached to one place that we’ve stayed.”
“And he deserves to have some stability. You can’t let an asshole like Mike keep your kids from being happy.”
“Michael though,” she sniffed quietly. “He doesn’t give up that easily. And when he said that this isn’t over, I have no reason but to believe him.”
“Where would you go if you left?” I wanted to know. “You must be running out of places to hide.” She sniffed a little and nodded her head bashfully.
“I don’t know where I could go. Maybe I need to go somewhere by myself. Then he’d have no way of tracking you.”
“Casey,” I argued quietly, “you can’t go alone. Especially now with a newborn.”
She shrugged and wiped her nose with a wadded up piece of tissue that she held, balled up, in her fist. “The most important decisions are the hardest ones to make,” she said casually. As if this was no big deal. I was getting frustrated with Zac. He said he’d come in if he thought he was needed. In my opinion, he was needed a long time ago. I don’t know why he sent me in, when he was the one who had such an unconscious control over her.
“This shouldn’t be so hard,” I told her with a sad smile. “Chris is happy here. You’re both safe here, even if he does know where you’re at. What’s the worst he could do?”
I watched her face fall at this question. Apparently it was something I didn’t want to know, and she didn’t want to think about. I looked down at Chris, sleeping peacefully and then at Kay doing the same. They were so innocent, and they never deserved any of this. Casey didn’t deserve any of this. And I knew that Zac, of all people, would be able to convince her of this.
Raising my voice a little louder, so Zac could hear clearly, but not enough to wake the kids, I offered, “lets get Zac and go to the kitchen to talk about this.”
Her eyes didn’t show that she wanted to talk about this, but before I knew it, she was gently pulling herself away from Chris and trying to get up without waking him. I stood up, myself, and held my hand out to help her up.
As we left the bedroom, I was almost expecting Zac to be still standing outside of the door, but he was nowhere to be seen. I began to wonder if he’d even stayed outside the door while I was talking to Casey. It would be just like him to send me in promising back up if needed, and then not being around. But upon entering the kitchen, I found him making three cups of hot chocolate. He didn’t look up or acknowledge our presence as we walked in, but he knew we were there.
Casey and I sat down at the table, and didn’t say anything until Zac joined us, hot chocolate in hand. He set a cup down in front of each of us and then grabbed his from the counter and sat down at the table with us. “Thanks,” Casey mumbled, holding hers tightly in her hands, but not taking a drink.
I bit my lip and shot Zac a look when I was sure Casey wasn’t looking. I’d run out of things to say to her. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to say in the first place. The next voice that spoke, wasn’t Zac, as I was expecting.
“You guys have been really great to Chris and I,” Casey started, and already, I could tell that she’d already made up her mind. There was nothing Zac or I could do to change her mind. It was already set. “And I really appreciate everything you’ve done. I just….never should have brought you guys into this crazy life of mine.”
“We’re already part of it. We just wish you would stop excluding it from us,” I told her honestly.
She looked at me sadly and then down at her cup. “I wish my life didn’t have to be like this. It’s always been so…crazy. And I’ve always been so…alone.”
“You were never alone,” Zac finally cut in sharply. “Don’t ever try to say that you were alone.” She never brought her eyes up to meet his. “You know that all would take is a phone call and any one member of this family would drop everything they were doing and fly across the world to get you.”
“I would never…”
“You need to start asking for help, Casey,” Zac cut her off. His attitude towards her had changed drastically since earlier that morning. I was afraid that it was only going to push her away faster. But then, Zac wasn’t stupid when it came to her. If he wanted her to stay that badly, he’d take no chances in doing something that would make him lose her.
“I can’t,” she snapped, finally looking up at him. More tears were in her eyes. “You don’t understand the shit I’ve been through.”
“I do too,” he argued, defensively.
She shook her head. “Not since I left Tulsa. So much has changed. We have changed, Zac. As much as I wish we still had what we used to, we don’t, and we never can.”
I watched Zac for an expression. When it came, I wish that I hadn’t even been there to witness it. I was starting to feel out of place. Like I was intruding on a personal conversation. Before I could respond, Zac did.
“This isn’t about us,” he said, recovering slightly from the blow she’d just hit him with. His voice was barely above a hoarse whisper. “This is about your safety, and the safety of your children.”
She bit her bottom lip and shook her head. “We’ll be safer if we leave. Where he doesn’t know where we’re at.”
“And what happens when he finds you again?” Zac prodded. “Who is going to be there to protect you?”
“WHY do you feel the need to always protect me?” She barked. “I am a grown woman and perfectly capable of protecting myself.”
“And tonight?” He asked.
“Tonight was the result of you interfering.”
“I didn’t like what he was doing to you,” he said calmly, his eyes locked firmly on hers. “And there was no way I was going to let him keep it up.”
“The point is,” Casey directed the conversation back, “I don’t need you to be with me at all times to protect me. And I would feel safer if he didn’t know where we were.”
“Have you felt safe the entire time you’ve been here?” I asked, speaking my thoughts. She looked at me and nodded. Her eyes softened as she did. I guess she thought, maybe, I was on her side in this. However, I couldn’t agree more with Zac that this is where she needed to be.
“Question is,” Zac spoke up, and Casey’s eyes went back to his, “have you felt safe anywhere but here.” Casey averted her eyes as she nodded in confirmation. “Look at me when you answer me. And say it out loud.”
She snapped her gaze back at him. “What do you want from me Zac?” Her tone was angry, but Zac looked prepared to confront it. “You want me to tell you that I only feel safe with you? That out of all the places I could go, I’d rather be with you? You want me to boost your ego by telling you that I still need you?” Casey paused, flustered and Zac just sat there, watching her. “Well, won’t, because it’s not true. I don’t need you anymore, and you have to get that through your head.”
Without missing a beat, Zac began his defense. “I don’t want you to need me. That’s not what this is about,” he said, keeping his cool. I wondered if this situation was going to turn out as nasty as the one earlier that day with Mike. “This is about your safety.”
“This is about you wanting me to stay for your own selfish reasons,” she shot back snootily.
“You think that’s what this is about?” Zac asked, finally getting frustrated. “God forbid I actually fucking care about you and want you safe.”
“That’s just it,” she tried reasoning. “You care too much.”
“Too much?!” He asked incredulously, sliding his chair back and standing up. “How the fuck do you care about someone too much?”
“Zac,” I tried calming him. I stood up and put my hands on his shoulders, but he shrugged them off. I could see the tears behind his eyes. “Calm down, you’re going to wake the kids up.” Casey was sitting at the table still, holding her cup of untouched hot chocolate.
“I don’t want the next time I see you to be at your funeral,” Zac admitted quietly, almost timidly. Casey took in a sharp breath, but never brought her eyes up to meet Zac’s…or mine. “Don’t think about Ike, or me. Don’t think about yourself this time. Think about your children.” Zac took a deep breath, contemplating his next line. “What would your mom do?”
The first sign of tears rolled down Casey’s face as Zac brought up her mom, and then stalked out of the kitchen. And once again, I was left to pick up the pieces.
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