Diana Kay was born on the fifteenth day of June, healthy and happy. When Casey announced the name of the baby, mom cried. Not just because she was named after her, but because she was named after Casey’s mom.
Mom stayed in the delivery room with Casey the whole time, while Zac, Chris, and I all waited, anxiously, in the waiting room. Christian fell asleep in the waiting room around ten, with his butt in a chair between Zac and I, his head in Zac’s lap, and his feet in mine. He told us to wake him up as soon as Casey had the baby.
For hours, we listened to the constant ticking of the clock hanging on the wall in front of us and the quiet shuffle of feet coming and going and walking around the waiting room. It seemed everyone was playing the same game we were, the waiting game. Every time someone would come into the waiting room, Zac’s head shot up to see if it was mom. It was 11:45 when, finally, she came in with the largest smile I’d ever seen. “It’s a girl,” she said, confirming the birth.
Less than a week later mom had gone home, and the four of us were learning to adjust to the new addition. Zac and I forgot how fast things change once there’s a baby in the house. We helped Casey care for Kay as much as possible, but for the first few weeks, Casey was incredibly protective of her. Something that, I guess, should have been expected.
“Isaac, can I get you to do something for me?” Casey asked as she walked into the living room with Kay against her chest, crying.
“Anything,” I said, jumping up from the couch, tossing the magazine I was reading aside. She stood shifting her weight uncomfortably from one side to the other, rubbing circles on Kay’s back.
“I have to pee,” she exhaled. “Really bad, and I need to get her a bottle, and I really suck at the whole multi-tasking thing…” she rambled. She looked tired and overwhelmed.
Before she could continue I walked around the couch and took Kay from her arms. “I’ll get the bottle.”
“You don’t have to,” she started to argue. “I just need you to…”
“Go use the bathroom,” I laughed, cutting her off. “I’ll take care of it.” I chuckled as she, without much more convincing, spun around and headed for the bathroom. Slightly bouncing Kay as she cried, I retrieved the bottle and formula from the kitchen cabinets and set about putting it together as I hummed a tune under my breath. My humming became a distraction for Kay and her sobs quieted a little.
I continued humming deliberately, a little louder, as I ran the formula-filled bottle under warm water. As I sprinkled some of it onto my wrist, she stopped crying and stared up at me. “Yea,” I smiled, taking a seat in a chair, “you know what you’re getting, don’t you?” She stared up at me anxiously as I positioned myself so that I could feed her without straining myself.
My eyes grazed over her facial features as she ate. Christian looked just like Casey in so many ways. He had her curious eyes, her pointed nose, and the same shaped mouth. Even his personality was similar. But Kay, she didn’t have the same eyes, or the nose, or even the mouth. Other than her light colored hair, she hardly looked like her mom at all. But Kay looked like Christian, in a way that I couldn’t exactly pin point.
I wondered what Mike looked like. I imagined he would look somewhat like Kay. Big round eyes and a round nose. Even her ears pointed out in a way that Casey’s didn’t. I wondered, if I ever had kids, who they would look like. Me or their mother. I could picture the little tykes running around, playing happily in the yard. The girl, head full of blonde ringlets, swinging in the tire swing while her brother climbed the tree above her head.
Casey’s voice yanked me out of my thoughts. I turned my head to her as she took a seat at the table. “What did you say?” I asked, not having heard.
“I said, they’ll have your smile.”
I was taken back by her bluntness and her uncanny ability to read my mind at any given moment. “How do you do that?” I asked, chuckling softly.
She tilted her head questioningly. “Do what?” Her voice was barely above a whisper.
“Read my mind like that,” I answered.
With a smirk on her face, she shrugged and played with the placemat sitting on the table in front of her. If only I could read her like she could read me. Maybe, then, she wouldn’t be such a mystery.
In my arms, I felt Kay fidgeting, and I turned my attention back to her. She’d finished nearly all of the formula that I’d put in the bottle. I pulled the bottle from her as she finished it completely and set it on the table. Casey stood up as I did this and when I looked up, she was right in front of me.
“I can take it from here,” she said, waiting for me to hand Kay over to her.
“Are you sure? I don’t mind…”
“Yea,” she smiled, holding her hands out for her baby. “You can get back to whatever you were doing.” Slightly disappointed, I handed Kay to her mother and watched as Casey sat back down with her to burp her.
My mind drifted, once again, to my future. The kids I may or may not have playing in a yard that may or may not be my own. I wondered if I would end up being that weird uncle that was fifty years old and had no family of his own. The one that showed up on holidays alone, but always bearing gifts. The uncle that everyone was nice to, but secretly, behind his back, they would whisper and place bets on whether or not he would ever find someone.
Even I was guilty of having an uncle or two like that. So, I knew exactly what went on before he showed up, and after he went home. “Poor Uncle Joe,” they’d say. “He never tried hard enough to get a good woman. And look at him now, ready to retire and still not married.” Or they’d talk about who they could hook him up with. “What about your second cousin. What’s her name?” And the reply would be, “no, she got married a few years ago.” And then they would move on to a different suggestion, none of them ever really working out for poor Uncle Joe.
I didn’t want to be poor Uncle Joe. But the older I got, the more I realized that that just may be the path my life was destined to take. The longest relationship I’d ever had, continuously, only lasted just short of five months. Taylor used to tell me that I was being too picky, too choosy. He said I needed to open my mind to other possibilities. He’d even tried setting me up on dates with some of his friends. Those never lasted very long either.
It seemed that no one was right for me. There was always something wrong with them. Their personalities were too bubbly. They laughed too loud, they were too reserved. We had nothing in common, they didn’t like any of the things I liked. I always suspected that maybe it wasn’t that there was something wrong with them, but that there was something wrong with me. Some reason why I couldn’t be content with any one woman. And it’s not that I didn’t want to find someone. I was always doing my damndest to find someone. Eventually I’d given up. I was hoping that if I stopped looking for her, then she would find me. So far, that wasn’t working out for me either.
“Ike,” Zac said forcefully, once again pulling me out of my thoughts.
“What?” I asked, as he plopped down into a chair beside me. Chris must have come in right behind him because he was now standing beside Casey looking at Kay.
“I was asking you and Casey if you wanted to come over to Taylor’s with us.”
“Us who?” I asked, perturbed by his impatience.
“Me and Chris.”
“Are you going?” I asked Casey. If she wasn’t going to go, I wasn’t going to. Someone needed to stay with her.
She shook her head. “I’m going to try to put Kay down for a nap in a little bit, and I’m going to take one with her.”
“I’ll stay too,” I told them, folding my hands over the placemat.
“Don’t stay for me,” Casey told me.
“You need to get out of the house for a little bit. Tay wants both of us to go over there anyway,” Zac told me. I didn’t want to go and leave Casey alone. What if she needed something? What if something happened?
“I’ll go to Tay’s some other time.”
“Ike,” Zac demanded my attention. I knew he was getting frustrated with me. I wasn’t sure exactly what I had done. I’d declined offers to go places before, and he never got that upset.
“Please go with us,” Chris pleaded. I hated when he did that. All he had to do was look at me, and I’d do just about anything. I was a sucker for kids.
“Fine,” I conceded, unhappily. Something was telling me that I shouldn’t go, but everyone was telling me to go. Something just didn’t feel right.
“Go get ready,” Zac ordered.
I did as I was told and less than an hour later, the three of us were standing at Taylor’s door. The bad feeling hadn’t gone away. In private, Zac teased me about having a crush on Casey, but that wasn’t it. I honestly didn’t know what was going on, but the feeling was strong.
“Hey guys,” Natalie greeted as she opened the door. We all filed in one by one. Taylor was on the couch watching TV with Ezra. Ezra’s eyes immediately lit up when he saw Christian walk in with us.
Taylor stood up, to greet us, allowing Chris to take his spot next to Ezra. Zac plopped down in the recliner and Natalie disappeared into the kitchen after announcing that she was making lunch.
“Follow me,” my brother said, nudging his head in the direction of the hallway. My face must have displayed my confusion because he added, “I need to talk to you.”
Suddenly it sort of made sense. Zac wanted me to come so bad because Taylor needed to talk to me. Why Taylor hadn’t asked me to come over was beyond me, but I knew it was something important if Taylor was wanting to talk. Over the years we’d become each other’s confidants. When Natalie got pregnant, he came to me. When I hit a major depression, I went to him. Whenever either of us needed advice, we went to each other.
I followed him down the hall into the spare bedroom. He closed the door behind us as I took a seat on the bed. He sat down beside me, and I prepared myself for his news. What came out of his mouth first shocked me. “Zac said that I needed to talk to you.”
“Do what?” I choked. This conversation wasn’t supposed to be about me. They tricked me into this. I never would have agreed on my own.
“He said I needed to talk to you.”
“About what?” I wanted to know, though I was sure I already did.
“He said you’ve been falling into a funk lately.” I knew that they only had my best interest in mind, but I really didn’t want to talk about it. It was personal and I was feeling very betrayed at the two of them talking about me behind my back, good intentions or not.
“A funk is when you’re in a constant bad mood and want to do nothing but sleep,” I argued. “I’m absolutely fine.”
“It’s called depression, and Zac and I both think that you might be headed down that road again.”
“I’m not,” I declared, frustrated beyond belief. “And I don’t like when you guys make assumptions like that without talking to me first.”
“I’m trying to talk to you,” he reasoned. “We just want to make sure.”
“I’m fine,” I insisted.
“Well, I know you’ve had a lot on your mind lately. Just talk to me about it.”
“You sound like a therapist.”
“Damnit Ike, why are you being so difficult about this?”
“Because I’m fine and I wish you guys would stop worrying about every little thing.”
“You know, you said it wasn’t a big problem last time, and I know you remember that mess.” Sadly, I did, but I wasn’t about to admit it to Taylor. I was too proud. So, I stayed silent. “Just tell me what’s going on, please,” he continued.
“I don’t know. I feel fine.” He shot me the look saying that he didn’t believe me. And I didn’t blame him. I wouldn’t believe me if I were him. “I don’t know,” I repeated, some of my resolve breaking down.
“Does it have to do with Casey?” He wanted to know.
Of course it did. “No,” I lied.
“Let me guess,” Taylor started. “You and Zac are having the same issues with her being here. Well, kind of. Both of you have been in love with her since day one.”
“That’s not true!” I protested. He ignored me.
“Neither of you really got to keep her. Though, Zac and a good chance, but he kind of fucked that up.” He paused, but I stayed silent. He was pretty much on the right track. “Now that she’s back, and you see that she’s moved on and gotten on with her life, and has two wonderful children, you’re thinking about your life and where it’s headed. No children, no one really special in your life. Mom is still the number one important woman in your life.”
“You make it sound so….”
“Degrading?”
“Nerdy.”
He laughed and I was close to sulking. These were my personal thoughts and feelings and he read them aloud like they were written down in a book. Not that he hadn’t always been good at that, but it angered me how casually he could say it all when it was tearing me up inside. I wanted to leave. I wanted to get back to Casey. I was still having the bad feeling, but now I was wondering if the bad feeling had something to do with this little talk with Taylor that Zac had set up.
“Am I right though?” He questioned, with a knowing smile on his face. He and I both knew he was, so I just nodded.
“Only one thing though. I was never ‘in love’ with her.” He stared point blank at me.
“At least a crush, right?” I refused to answer. “Come on, who didn’t have a crush on her at one point…” He stopped his sentence short, caught up in thought. “Do you remember Johnny?”
I smirked. The boy next door who was absolutely in love with Casey. He chased after her for years before finally giving up. “Zac’s biggest threat,” I recalled.
“Funny thing is, she never liked him.”
“Doesn’t mean Zac had no reason to be threatened by him,” I mused. Taylor raised his eyebrows at my statement. “There were a few times when she and Zac got into a fight and to get back at Zac she went running straight to Johnny.”
“What?” He asked, incredulously.
I nodded confirmation. “Heard it from all three of them. Casey regretful, Zac pissed off, Johnny boasting. I kind of feel bad for him actually. She used him, and he knew it, but he never denied her.”
“That’s so wrong. I never knew that.” I nodded silently. “And Zac always went back to her…” Taylor concluded.
“He was head over heels for her.”
“Still is.”
I brought my eyes up to meet his. I was hoping I was the only one who thought that. I had more chance, that way, of being wrong. I knew I wasn’t though. Everyone had seen the way Zac looked at Casey when he thought no one was looking. He was the way they used to look at each other all the time. But this time, things were different. There was more baggage. And I was sure that Casey had no intentions of getting back with Zac. She’d moved on.
“Anyway, this wasn’t supposed to turn into a conversation about Zac and Casey, past or present,” Taylor segued. He scooted back too the top of the bed, leaning against the headboard. I stayed where I was, with my back facing him. “You gonna tell me what’s going on in that head of yours, or am I going to have to force it out of you?”
He was joking, I knew, but I was still frustrated at being tricked into having this conversation. I honestly didn’t know how I was feeling about the whole thing. I was confused about it all. Sure, Casey coming back into our lives made me look back on mine and wonder what the hell I was doing. But I didn’t have any answers, and Taylor sure wouldn’t have any answers. It was something I was going to have to figure out on my own.
“I don’t know what you want to know,” I answered him, turning around to the side of the bed so that I could see him.
“The truth would be a good place to start,” he said frankly, looking me straight in the eyes.
“I know that. I just, don’t really know what the truth is. I guess I have been in somewhat of a funk lately, but it’s only because I don’t know where my life is headed.” I paused, waiting for a smart ass comment from Taylor about how he was right, but it never came. He just sat there watching me, waiting for me to continue. “It didn’t even really bother me until Zac asked me if I ever thought about having kids. And the remorse that was in his voice made me start thinking about myself. I hadn’t had kids yet either, and I’m five years older than he is.”
“Having kids isn’t what makes your life fulfilled,” Taylor cut in with some of his Taylorly advice. “Being happy is what makes your life fulfilled. If you’re happy without children and a wife, or whatever, then you shouldn’t worry about it so much.”
“But I do want that. It just never seems to work out for me.”
“That may be because you’re too picky,” he said with laughter in his voice. Again he was joking, and it only frustrated me. He noticed my unhappiness about his jesting and continued with a more serious point. “Or maybe you just haven’t found the right person yet. You can’t rush things, Ike.”
“I don’t think waiting until I’m almost thirty is rushing things. But you were right, having Casey and the kids around is making me want it more.”
“Don’t measure your life to hers. We’ve all had very different lives, and things come at different times,” he reasoned. “And I know that she has gone through shit that you’d never want to go through.”
I stared at him for a moment. He was right, but I wasn’t sure what that had to do with anything. “I know that. She’s gone through hell and back, but…”
“Exactly,” he spoke. “Maybe her children is God’s way of rewarding her for making it through all that with a level head and most of her sanity.”
I nodded thoughtfully. It did make sense. We always grew up believing that God gave punishments and rewards. And having children, mom always said, was the most rewarding thing of all. But then, I wondered, was I being punished by not being able to experience that feeling? I didn’t know why things had to be so confusing. And why I had to keep feeling bad for myself when I knew Casey, and even Zac, had been through more hell than I had. They’d lost a child. I may have never been able to experience having a child of my own, but at least I didn’t have to experience losing one.
“Does life ever make any kind of sense?” I asked aloud underneath a sigh.
Taylor shook his head. “If it did, it would become too predictable, and not worth living to find out.”
“You’re right,” I nodded. He was always right. And he always knew the right words. That’s why I went to him for advice.
I looked up sharply as there was a knock on the door. “Lunch is ready,” Natalie’s voice through the door.
“Be there in a minute,” Taylor answered.
“What’d she make?” I asked him, my stomach suddenly feeling empty and the thought of lunch. It rumbled, right on cue.
“Lasagna,” he answered with a smirk.
“Fancy,” I cheered.
He shrugged, moving towards the edge of the bed. “It was one of the frozen ones.”
“Cheap!” I protested, opening the bedroom door, though my stomach didn’t seem to mind.
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