After dinner, we all found ourselves in the living room. Taylor had taken the opportunity to slip in a Crosby Stills and Nash CD. I watched the expressions of both, Chris and Ezra. The music didn’t phase Ezra at all, but it had a different effect on Chris. He sat on the living room floor, taking it all in. Ezra had been brought up on all kinds of different music, but I’m guessing, from Chris’ response, that he hadn’t been. He didn’t turn his nose up at it though. He just sat there and listened intently. It was a proud moment for me, as someone so involved in every aspect of music, to watch a child listen so intently to music that others wouldn’t give a second chance.
While Chris was wrapped up in the music with his turtle on the floor in front of him, Ezra sat beside him on the floor, playing his gameboy. Casey sat on the opposite end of the couch with her feet curled under her. She was looking out the window, with yet another distant look on her face. Taylor and Natalie shared the overstuffed chair, talking quietly to each other. I could tell something was up just by the expressions on their faces. I watched them closely, trying to understand what they were talking about, but I was never good at reading lips and the music playing softly in the background overpowered their voices.
I caught Natalie’s eye when she looked up. She smiled when I gave her a puzzled look and then looked back at Taylor. Taylor was watching Ezra, so she poked him in the side to get his attention and then giggled when he jumped. She said something and he shook his head and pointed his finger in the direction of the hallway. I could make out the word “Zac,” but nothing else. Then she pointed at me.
“What the hell?” I mumbled to myself. Taylor looked my way and shrugged.
“We have to wait for Zac,” he explained.
I had no idea what he was talking about. “We have to wait for Zac for what?”
“Can I say it?” Ezra asked excitedly, looking up from his game.
“Not yet,” Natalie told her son quietly.
Casey was paying attention by this point, but she didn’t look as confused as I was. She had a sure smile planted on her lips.
“Don’t tell me Casey knows,” I groaned. “Why am I always the last one to know anything?”
“They haven’t told me anything,” she assured me, “but it’s not hard to read between the lines.
“And you’re not the last to know everything,” Taylor reminded me. “You know what names Casey has picked out, and she won’t even tell us.”
“It’s a secret,” Casey said. “Everyone will know eventually.”
“Yea, but Taylor and I are the only ones being left out of this little secret,” Natalie complained.
“No you’re not. Ike and Zac are just the only ones that have been let in.”
“Have been let in on what?” Zac asked as he entered the living room. His hair was still wet from his shower and he smelled…fruity.
“Baby names and why do you smell like a girl?” Taylor answered and asked all in one breath, voicing the thoughts in my own head.
“I ran out of shampoo and Casey’s was the only other option,” he shrugged, plopping down on the couch between Casey and me.
Casey ran a hand through his hair, collecting water on her palm and between her fingers. She wiped the water off on his jeans and shrugged. “You smell good to me.”
“Of course he does,” I snickered. “He smells like a girl.” Faster than I could get the words out of my mouth, Zac punched me in the leg, making me yelp.
“And you scream like one,” he retorted.
I wanted to say something witty to his comment, but Taylor interrupted me. It was probably for the best because my ‘witty’ comment would have been something highly unintelligent.
“We have something to tell you,” Taylor said, paying no attention to the exchange between Zac and me.
“I want to do it,” Ezra called from the floor.
“So do it,” Natalie encouraged him. All eyes turned to him.
“Mommy’s gonna have a baby,” Ezra said excitedly.
“Oh wow,” I said, shocked. I wasn’t expecting that, but I guess I probably should have. I looked over at Casey and could tell that she was right when she said it wasn’t hard to read between the lines. She knew.
“Cool,” Zac said with a smile.
“Congrats,” I finally managed to say.
“How far along are you?” Casey asked.
“Seven weeks,” Natalie answered with a grin.
Energized chatter flew all around me. Questions followed by answers with smiles attached to it all. I smiled to myself as I watched all of the commotion around me. For a family who was so used to having babies around, there was no calming the excitement every time a new announcement came. Each time was like the first, and it never got old.
“Do mom and dad know?” Zac asked, finding an open window to say something.
“Of course they do,” Taylor answered. His arm was draped around Natalie’s shoulder as she sat lopsided, partially on the chair but mostly on his lap. The chair they were sharing wasn’t small by any means, but it wasn’t huge either. The way they were sitting and touching and smiling made me feel empty in a way. Like I wanted what they had, when only days before, I was perfectly content with what I had. I wasn’t really jealous. I was wistful.
Time just keeps going, and it pulls you long with it. Before you know it, you’re almost thirty, and have no kids, no wife, no family but the one you were born with and the ones they’ve brought into the world themselves. The closest thing I have to family that I wasn’t born with is Casey, and she’d always been closer to Zac. It had always been that way, and I figured that it would probably always be that way.
When we went to the park with the kids, Zac asked me if I ever thought about having kids. And, until that point, it had just been a random passing thought once in a while. But ever since he’d asked, it had been weighing heavily on my mind. I didn’t want to end up alone. I was twenty-seven years old. Eventually you have to find someone and settle down. Start a family. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to do that. It was just so hard. I was never good at finding the right kind of women. It always felt wrong. It never felt like they wanted me. They wanted the guitarist of Taylor Hanson’s band. How Taylor, himself, found someone he felt that comfortable with, I’ll never know.
Once all the excitement of Taylor and Natalie’s announcement wore down, Zac got up to go do the dinner dishes that we’d abandoned for the time being. Ezra laid down on his stomach to play his gameboy, and Chris laid beside him on his back, forcing his eyes to stay open. I watched as they’d slowly fall shut and then he’d quickly open them and yawn. It didn’t take long for Ezra’s head to fall down into his arms as well, leaving the game abandoned on the floor beside him. Taylor and Natalie stayed in their little cocoon, talking quietly to each other, both looking like they were fighting sleep as well.
Casey scooted closer to me and then looked at me with a smile.
“What?” I asked her.
“Can I use you as a pillow?”
“I should have known,” I laughed, lifting up my arms to give her room to lay her head down.
We sat like that for a while. Not talking, not moving, just sitting. Casey closed her eyes and I spent my time watching everyone else. The boys had fallen asleep and Taylor and Natalie’s quiet chatter had ceased. Natalie’s head was on Taylor’s shoulder and he had an arm wrapped around her back and resting on her stomach. Casey’s eyes were closed, but she was still awake. Her arms were crossed under her chest and her fingers were tracing patterns on the arm I had draped over her stomach. I could hear noise in the kitchen from Zac cleaning.
“I miss this,” Casey said quietly.
“Using people as a pillow?”
“That too,” she chuckled. “But, I mean the whole thing. Having everybody around. This family…I miss this family.” She looked up at me sadly.
“We missed you too,” I said honestly. “Nothing was the same after you left.”
She sighed and closed her eyes. “Maybe I shouldn’t have left.”
For the moment, I was glad that her eyes were closed because I had no idea what to say to that, and I was sure that fact was written all over my face. I never wanted her to go, but I know why she did it. I can’t say that I wouldn’t have done the same thing if I was in her situation.
“Maybe I should have just stayed. Worked through everything,” she stopped talking but I could tell there was more she was wanting to say. When she didn’t say it, I decided to speak up.
“You did what you felt you needed to do.”
She shook her head, her eyes still closed, and took a deep breath. “I should have stayed. I should have held on to Zac…I shouldn’t have abandoned him.”
I knew the conversation would eventually turn to Zac. It always did. And with Zac it always turned to Casey. “He’s fine,” I told her, though I wasn’t sure anymore if that was true or not. Two months ago, I would have agreed to that full-heartedly. But now, I wasn’t sure what was going on with him. I wasn’t sure just how ‘fine’ he was.
“No he’s not,” she whispered. “He’s not the same.”
“None of us are,” I assured her. “That’s what time does to you.”
“I guess,” she murmured, failing the fight against sleep.
I let her fall asleep, and closed my own eyes. I hoped that I could sleep as easily as everyone else, but I knew it wouldn’t happen. I’d become used to my sleepless nights as of late.
My mind had become a huge jumbled mess. During the day I’d do okay, taking everything in, but at night I could never sleep. I’d spend my nights trying to decipher the thoughts in my head, what I was feeling, what I was thinking. My mind wouldn’t rest long enough for me to get enough sleep.
I sat there on the couch for a few minutes, just willing my mind to let me sleep. Just a few hours. It was working, and as I was drifting off, I was brought back to conscious by the sound of knocking on the door. I heard the water in the kitchen still running, so I assumed that it was just part of my imagination. As soon as I closed my eyes once more, I heard the knocking again, and then I heard the water in the kitchen stop. Zac’s footsteps were coming into the living room to answer the door.
I heard the door open and then a groan from Zac. “Mom, what are you doing here?” He whispered. I opened my eyes, and sure enough, there was Mom standing in the doorway with a couple of bags. “I told you not to come.”
“I wanted to see her.”
“You would have. But not yet. She’s going to run if she thinks everyone knows she’s here.”
“But everyone doesn’t know she’s here,” Mom argued.
“Try telling her that.”
“Just tell her it was a coincidence. Now, are you going to let your mother in or not?”
He mumbled something as he stepped aside, allowing her into the living room. She set her bags down on the floor and I watched her smile grow as she let her eyes roam around the room filled with sleeping bodies, and then finally meet my eyes. We held eye contact for a moment before her eyes dropped down to my lap. Her smile never faded, but her face changed. Happiness, relief, gratefulness…it washed over her face all at once. She stood there staring at her for the longest time. I looked up at Zac and he was standing against the door, not looking thrilled. He knew her better than I did, and if he thought this would make her flee, then I had no choice but to trust his instincts.
“How long has she been here?” Mom asked, still watching her sleep.
I fumbled for an answer, but Zac shot one off of the top of his head. “A little over three weeks,” he answered. “Twenty-three days.” I looked at him curiously, but he looked away from me.
“How long are you staying?” Zac asked.
She turned to look at him contemptuously. “Trying to get rid of me already?”
“This just isn’t a good time. I didn’t mean for you to come all the way up here.” He looked worried, and regretful. I almost felt bad for him. Almost.
“Then why’d you tell her?” I asked him.
“Ike,” he said forcefully.
“I don’t want you two keeping secrets from me,” she told us. “Especially big ones like this.”
Zac and I both looked at each other and then back at Mom. “Do you understand me?” She asked and we both nodded. “Good. Wake her up.”
“Mom,” Zac and I both said at the same time.
“She just fell asleep a few minutes ago,” I told her.
“You’re going to have to wake her up eventually.” I shot a glance at Zac telling him that I was not happy, and he looked back at me with remorse.
“Casey,” I said, pulling the hair back from her face. She turned her face into my stomach and let out a groan. “Hey,” I said, pushing her shoulder a little bit. “Wake up.”
“Why?” She mumbled before pulling her head back to look up at me with heavy eyes.
“You have a visitor.” At these words, her eyes sprung open and she sat up quickly. Her body visibly relaxed when she saw mom standing there, smiling at her.
“What are you doing here?” She asked mom in nearly the same tone that Zac had asked her in.
“I came to see my kids,” she said happily. “And it’s so wonderful to see you here too.” She was lying, without lying. Mom bent down to give her a hug, which Casey reluctantly returned.
“How did you know I was here?” Casey asked warily.
“I didn’t, which is what makes this such a wonderful surprise.” Now she was just lying. But I couldn’t have been more grateful for it. And from the look on Zac’s face, neither could he.
“We ate earlier mom, are you hungry?” Zac asked. He’d moved from his spot against the door and was now standing behind the chair that was occupied by Taylor and Natalie.
“Actually, you know, I’m really not. I’m more tired than anything.”
“Another, slight problem. We gave Casey and Chris our extra bedroom so…”
“We can sleep in the living room,” Casey interrupted me with her offer.
“Absolutely not. I can sleep on the couch,” mom argued.
“I agree,” Zac said, in a tone that told her that he was not happy with her just showing up. Casey looked at him questioningly, but he just left the room, probably in search of extra pillows and a blanket.
“So, how have you been?” Mom asked Casey, sitting down at the other end of the couch next to her.
“Good, I guess. As good as I can be, being twelve and a half months pregnant.”
Mom laughed. “Sounds like you’re a bit over-due. When are you actually due?”
“Two and a half weeks,” Casey answered.
“Oh wow,” mom said excitedly. “Any time now.”
I sighed and propped my head up on my hand that was resting on the arm rest.
“What’s wrong with you?” Mom asked, turning her attention to me. Her hand rested on my knee.
“Nothing,” I said. “I’m just tired.”
She raised her eyebrows with a perceptive smile. “Sounds like an excuse to me.”
“It’s not an excuse. I really am tired.”
“Why don’t you go on to bed then?” She asked me. I fought back a chuckle and settled for merely smiling. Going to bed wouldn’t help me sleep.
“I will in a little while,” I promised her.
Zac came back in the living room around that time and handed mom a couple pillows and a blanket without saying a word to her.
“Zachary, don’t be mad at me,” she said, pleadingly.
“Why are you mad at her?” Casey asked Zac.
“I’m not.”
“He’s been in a bad mood all day,” Casey told mom with a reassuring smile. Zac walked back into the kitchen and it wasn’t long before I heard the water running again.
“I’ll be right back,” I told mom and Casey before I got up to follow Zac. I found him standing at the sink, filling the mop bucket up with water. “Zac, it’s eleven o’clock at night. Why are you mopping?”
He shrugged, and didn’t look at me.
“Why are you so upset that mom’s here?”
He turned the water off and turned to look at me. “I don’t want Casey to think that I told mom she was here.”
“But you did,” I reminded him.
“Casey is going to run. If she thinks we’re telling the world that she’s here, she’s going to run.”
“So tell her that you only told mom. And why did you tell mom anyway?”
He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I needed to talk to someone.”
“You could have talked to me,” I said. I couldn’t understand this distance that he was putting between us.
“You wouldn’t understand,” he said, shaking his head.
“You never know until you try, Zac. And you never tried to talk to me.”
“Mom is just easier to go to. She knows about everything that happened and she’s never judged me.”
I was confused in more than one way. I never felt like I’d judged him, and I didn’t know that mom knew everything that happened. “I never judged you,” I protested.
“You blame me for Casey leaving in the first place. And I don’t want to be the reason she leaves again.”
I didn’t know what to say. I guess I did partially blame him for Casey leaving. “Is that why you keep trying to help her so much?” I asked. “Buying baby stuff, helping with the room…everything.”
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “I do all that to make up for what I did. I know I’ll never make up for it, but somehow, I just wish I could.”
“Zac, what happened, happened. It’s in the past.”
“I know,” he said. He looked at the wall above my head and took a deep breath. “I just think that if I had treated her better, her life would have turned out different. Better.”
“So you’re blaming yourself for Mike?” I questioned. He nodded slowly, looking me in the eyes. Finally, I felt like I was getting somewhere with him. “Don’t. He’s a creep.”
“So was I.”
“You weren’t a creep. You were young…and you didn’t know what you were doing.”
He shook his head again. “I knew what I was doing. I just didn’t care. It wasn’t until…after I did what I did that it hit me. I loved her so much, and I broke her.”
“You didn’t break her.”
“Well I didn’t fix her. That was you. You were always there to pick up her pieces.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Zac was being totally and completely honest with me. Telling me what I’d needed to hear for so long, but I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to hear that I was always the one helping Casey back up because it meant that Zac was hurting.
“Zac…”
“Maybe if she’d fallen in love with you, her life would have been better. You never would have done to her what I did.”
There was a long silence. I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t disagree with him. He was right. I never would have done what he did. But I couldn’t hate him for it. I couldn’t tell him that he’d fucked up her life.
“What are you boys up to?” Mom asked as she strolled into the kitchen with Casey right behind her.
Zac quickly turned back to the mop bucket that was sitting in the sink. He dumped it out and took it back to the closet. “I was going to finish cleaning the kitchen, but Ike reminded me how late it was getting.”
“That’s good,” Casey said, patting me on the shoulder. “Leave the cleaning for me to do.”
Zac plastered a smile on his face and pointed a finger at her. “You need to stop doing stuff.”
“Never,” she sneered playfully.
Casey’s mood wasn’t brought down by the fact that mom showed up. In fact, her mood had gone up since dinner. She seemed pleasantly surprised to find mom there. I think that fact alone took a huge weight off of Zac’s shoulders.